I was having a really bad day. I failed my math final, my boyfriend broke up with me, and now I think somebody put something in my drink. Maybe I’m just imagining things, but I could have sworn this dude just said his name was Euripedes. What kind of sick mother would doom her child to a life of never getting his name on one of those license plates at the grocery stores? Whatever.
Just down the bar were three men wearing … Togas?! I rubbed my eyes and squinted harder, they looked straight out of a frathouse, except they were old and had huge beards. They looked to be arguing about something, so I stealthily slid down the bar to get within earshot. I must not have been sneaky enough because they all stopped and glared at me.
“Hic – Sorry.” I hiccupped and attempted to take another sip, but instead wacked my front teeth with a thud. “Ow…”
“As I was saying…” the biggest of the three said, turning his back to me. He looked like the bully of the group. He had a big forehead. Like a sevenhead, with a reverse mullet. “The gods are completely irrelevant to me, I don’t see why you want to talk about this right now.”
“Me either!” The stumpy one in the middle squeaked.
“Shut up, Sophocles.” The big one sighed.
“Oh don’t be like that Euripedes,” said the third with an air of sarcasm. He was taller than the other two, but the skinniest. The big one, Euripedes or Eustace or whatever it is, looked like he could squash my head with his thumb.
“Come now, Aeschylus,” Euripedes said in his thunderous voice, “You don’t actually believe this stuff do you?”
“A-what?!” I gasped, my mouth agape. Seeing their faces I shied away. “I’m sorry, I just, what’s your name?”
“That’s enough out of you,” Euripedes grumbled. “Now Aeschylus, you can’t possibly believe this fairytale about the gods being so perfect. They are no better than the scum of the earth beneath my sandal.”
“You have more faith than I if you believe that, my friend.” Aeschylus replied, calmly sipping his red ale.
“Guys, can we talk about fate?” interjected Sophocles.
“Faith?!” Euripedes said, ignoring Sophocles. “Faith in those beings that condone such terrible acts? I would have no such child of mine worship such vile creatures!”
“Oh Euripedes, those characteristics that you so hate only exist in your stories.”
“No they are revealed in my dramas. The Titan, Helios, enabling his barbaric granddaughter, Medea to continue on her murderous rampage!
“Oh that’s just a Titan! You know how primitive they are! Now Apollos on the other hand, as a minister of Zeus’ will – ”
“Apollos! You know better than to bring him up with me, Aeschylus. Euripedes was beginning to turn the shade of Aeschylus’ red ale.
“But the fates decree – ” Sophocles started in, seizing his moment –
“Shut up, Sophocles!” the other two playwrights exclaimed simultaneously.
“Nobody wants your incest right now. Besides, my Creon is better.” Euripedes said, swaying now from the alcohol. Or was I swaying? Sophocles slumped down in his chair.
I snorted, choking on the ale and coughing loudly. They all turned to glare at me again.
“I’m sorry, I just… Incest… Like Oedipus? No?” I said, melting under the pressure and turning back to my drink. I motioned to the bartender to refill my glass.
“Anyways, where was I?” said Euripedes, still staring at me. “Oh that’s right, Apollo. Apollo is no better, Aeschylus, he takes the side of Jason, who arrogantly abandons his family and set himself up for disaster! They are both ignorant and stupid. Don’t you get it? The whole play is Greek Reason vs. Barbaric Passion, and they both suck.”
“You know you’re an angry drunk right?” A said. “But you are so blind! You just don’t understand justice at all, and that is so evident from your play! In my play, Agamemnon, everything is a result of justice, directly stemming from the Just God of the heavens, Zeus himself.”
“Guy I really just think that fate – “ Sophocles started again.
“Shut up, Sophocles.” I retorted. Sophocles looked horrified, and the other two playwrights turned so quickly.
“It’s okay Sophy, don’t listen to the mean lady,” Euripedes cooed softly, hugging Sophocles as he whimpered.
“How dare you speak to him like that!” Aeschylus scolded me.
“I’m sorry! You just, but he…” I tried to explain.
“There is no excuse to treat another human being that way! Your parents must be ashamed of you!” Aeschylus said, angrily motioning with his hands. “You better pray to Zeus not to avenge your injustice!”
Euripedes stopped. “Stop with that nonsense, Aeschylus! You are lowering the IQ of the whole bar!”
“Oh quit it with the narcissism, Euripedes, you don’t want to spend all of eternity looking at your reflection in a kiddie pool now do you?”
“You just don’t know how to accept being wrong!” Euripedes thundered. Sophocles whimpered in the background.
“I’m wrong?! You’re wrong!”
“No, you’re wrong you imbecile!”
Suddenly, with a bang, the door of the bar slammed open and a humble man of about thirty burst into the room. He had olive skin, with long hair and a beard. He had a homely look about him. He confidently strode into the now dead silent bar right up to the three drunk playwrights.
“What’s up fools? You’re all wrong!” the man said with an ever-glorious voice. It was like liquid gold poured forth from this man’s lips as he spoke, and a river of living water welled up inside of me.
“And you are?!” Euripedes thundered.
“I AM Jesus.” God said simply.
“HAH!” I interrupted loudly. The playwrights glared at me. Jesus turned, and walked, well I should say glided over to me.
“Come now child, I think you have had enough to drink.” He spoke softly to me, like a Father would to his baby girl. “I’ll call you a chariot.”
“No I have a car.” I responded.
“You are not driving in this condition!”
“I don’t have to!” I snickered, “JESUS TAKE THE WHEEEEEEL!!! TAKE IT FROM MY HANDS, I CAN’T DO THIS OOOON MY OWWWWWWN!!!!”
“Oh goodness, not that Carrie Underwood song again. Do you know how many of those prayers I get a day?” He said shaking his head, “I’ll call you an uber.”
THE END.
